I know I usually try to post funny/embarrassing stories but today I'm switching gears. I want to share an experience that happened to me recently and open up a bit to all you loyal readers.
As most of you know, I lost my dad to cancer October 2008. Although this year will mark 4 years, it still seems as if it happened yesterday. If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know that nothing can prepare you for the emotions and heartache that accompanies it. Even if you knew it was coming. We knew that my dad's time was limited, but even then, more time was initially predicted. My dad was adamant about not having a sad memorial service. He said he wanted it to be a party. He wanted everyone in the immediate family to pick a song for the memorial to accompany the song he chose, Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird" -which is now one of my favorite songs, because it connects me to him, even if it's bittersweet and is difficult to not get emotional when I hear it.
I still struggle with the loss of my dad on a regular basis, and miss him everyday. I still hope for signs from him, I still talk to him. I still have his number in my cell phone. I still replay conversations in my head. I wonder what would be different if he were still here. I think about all the important milestones in my life he will miss. I still get jealous that my sister had him to walk her down the aisle, and that he got to meet her first born knowing I'll never have that. I still get angry sometimes and wonder how any of this was fair. I also know that God has a plan, even when we don't understand it and that everything happens for a reason.
Losing my dad caused me to handle a lot of things the wrong way. I didn't know how to "grieve" and I don't think I wanted to, so I chose to distract myself. I put 150% into a relationship that wasn't healthy and lost myself in that process. No matter how that relationship ended, I will always be thankful that he was there for me, when he didn't have to be, as I went through the hardest thing I have ever gone through (thus far). One of the reasons that relationship lasted longer than it should have was because I knew that he would always be the last boyfriend to meet my dad. That was important to me and I held on to it for entirely too long.
As I entered a new relationship (hi, love), one of the things that was constantly in the back of my mind was how my dad would like him. Although I knew my dad would love him, mostly because he makes me happy, I still wondered what their encounter would be like. Would they understand each other's humor? Would they have a lot in common? Would my dad approve? I came to terms with the fact I would never know the answers to those questions and decided to follow my heart with the feeling that my dad would approve and be happy for me.
My boyfriend Chazz is a mixed martial arts fighter (that's an entirely different blog post in itself) and if you don't know anyone that does the sport, then I can't really explain or describe what all is involved. Let's just say that when fight week rolls around, things get stressful. Fight week is typically when Chazz is cutting weight (which could basically mean starving/dehydrating yourself to make sure you weigh in at your fight weight, which is typically anywhere from 5-25 pounds from your walk around weight depending on the weight class you're fighting in) which is not a fun process. People tend to get irritable when they don't eat in case you didn't know. And because I'm such a supportive/awesome girlfriend- I cut weight with him. Meaning, if he can't eat, I don't. If he has to run the neighborhood in his sauna suit, I suit up in sweats and hit the pavement with him. If he has to sit in a car with the heat on in 70 degree weather- I'm in the passenger seat (thankfully that was only one time). If he doesn't have anyone to spar with, we move the cars out of the garage, I put on my pink boxing gloves and his hideous headgear and try my best to keep up. When he can't drive to weigh ins the day before due to dehydration, I arrange my schedule and get him there (even when they are in Athens or Alabama). I admire his dedication so I make a point to not only say I support him, but show him by being by his side during the entire process. However, being human, the stress weighs heavily on me as well, which causes us to have a short fuse with each other and be a little more... snappy than usual. Then it's fight time, and everything that goes into that moment is all worth it.
Chazz's first fight was in Athens (won in the first round-no big deal). Athens obviously wasn't ideal, because it wasn't exactly close (and it's home of UGA which disgusts me since I'm a GATOR), but anything UGA/Bulldawgs/Athens, etc will always remind me of my dad. My dad was the biggest, most obnoxious GA fan that ever lived, no joke. The moment Chazz and I hit downtown Athens (which was by accident I think) "Free Bird" came on the radio. Call me crazy, but the odds of that song coming on at that moment in downtown Athens could only mean one thing- my dad was there. I carried that feeling throughout the weekend and like to think he was with Chazz during his fight.
That kind of sign has never happened to me before. Fast forward to this past weekend, Chazz had a fight in Tuscaloosa. This time, I would be in his corner. I was a nervous wreck. I'm always nervous before, I mean, some other guy is getting in a cage with my boyfriend with the intention to physically harm him and anything can happen. I was trying to keep my nerves under control to be encouraging and calm for him as he warmed up/prepared for his fight. We arrived at the venue with the other fighters around 4:30pm anticipating the start time of 7:00. As 7:00 grew closer, the DJ started playing music to get the crowd going and get ready for the first fight of the night. Suddenly, there was a huge change in the dub step music as Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird" randomly came over the speaker system. My body froze in disbelief almost thinking I was hearing things then I heard a nearby fighter say, "wow, they're playing Lynyrd Skynyrd." Then it was turned off, almost as if it was played by mistake.
I looked at Chazz in shock and this overwhelming calm came over me. I no longer felt like I was going to vomit from nerves and my uncontrollable shaking seemed to cease. My dad was there. And he was telling me everything was ok. I couldn't understand why I was getting these signs only at Chazz's fights. There have been so many times when I was having a hard day or needed his advice and nada. Then it made sense. My dad knows his approval is important and he wants me to know he supports me. Even better, he supports Chazz. Call me crazy, but I just think it's too much of a coincidence so I'm gonna rock with it.
I love you, dad. I miss you everyday, but I know that you are with me more than I realize.
