Signs Your Current Should Be Your Ex- Part I

Love is blind.

Actually, love isn't blind at all because you can clearly see who you're dating. However, when you love/care for someone, you often willingly ignore those little things called red flags. We all think people can change, which they can, but not because you want them to. People change because they want to. Yes, we want to be the reason someone changes for the better but you're just in for a let down and a waste of your time if that's what you're striving for.

It's never a good feeling to look back at past relationships and think, "what was I thinking?" or "I shouldn't have ignored that.."

But, it happens. And hopefully, if anything, it makes for a great story. Even at your own expense.

1). Lack of Education.
Education is important. Everyone has different standards for this topic, to each their own. I'm not necessarily saying you should only date ivy league graduates or students, I'm saying you should strive to date someone with a high school diploma or, at the very least, a G.E.D. Life happens, I get it. Who am I to judge? All I'm saying is that you can't really expect to get far in life without some sort of high school completion. Preferably, before you hit your mid-20's.....

2). Lack of Career.
When you hit a certain age, certain jobs are not acceptable unless you are in school. There is a difference between a job and a career. If you are doing something because you genuinely love it and want to grow in that industry, then more power to you. If you're doing something because you're lazy or you couldn't find anything else, it's time to reevaluate. I get times are hard, and jobs are hard to come by. Anything is better than nothing, as long as you're at least still actively job hunting. Unless your criminal record prevents you from doing so. In that case, I would say to reevaluate your relationship because that could be as good as it's going to get.

3). Unrealistic and/or Embarrassing Goals.
Being a rapper is not realistic. At least it's not realistic for me to date an aspiring "rapper"(....anymore). Everyone in Atlanta is involved in some sort of music, modeling, promoting, producing, etc. Unless you have some sort of buzz and have done something at least kind of impressive, do not tell me that's what you're doing with your life. White rappers- even more ridiculous. At least once you're past your mid-20's. Now, if you are serious about your craft and talented, then you should absolutely be pursuing your goal. You aren't passionate about something if you aren't willing to put in the work to get it.

4). Questionable Phone Calls
Um, if you find Quest or other such dating hot lines on the family plan you share with your boyfriend, I wouldn't recommend continuing that relationship. Especially if it continues on a regular basis.

5). Dating Profiles
If a friend calls you to tell you that they just happened to come across your boyfriend on a dating site, it's time to move on.

6). Public Dates
When you run into your boyfriend at a bar with another girl. During guys night. That's supposed to be taking place in a different town. Do I need to go further?

7). Over Emotional
If your boyfriend thinks it's OK to tell you that his bad day has led him to sitting on the floor eating ice cream while crying, or does nothing but quote female song lyrics on social networking sites, or gets emotional over Taylor Swift (literally), I would say it's safe to say he should become an ex, with the great possibility he might like your guy friends.

8). Solicitation.
If you should find that your boyfriend has been creating Craigslist Ads for "casual encounters" under an alias and also exploring the men seeking men section, I'm pretty sure what you have to offer does not interest him.

9). Has the Ex-Factor
If your current boyfriend/girlfriend still communicates with their ex, cut ties immediately. If they say "oh he/she's crazy and won't leave me alone," run even faster. The only reason an ex will still call/text/email is because they still get a response.

10). Openly Flirtatious
If you are out with your significant other, you shouldn't flirt with the opposite sex. Duh. If you run into someone you know, introduce your man/woman! Don't stand there and have an entire conversation with someone and completely ignore your beau. Ladies, don't let other guys buy you drinks while you're out with your man, it's incredibly disrespectful. You wouldn't want your man buying other girls drinks while he's with you. Regardless of how you know them. Unless you're doing a group shot or someone is buying an entire round, politely decline the offer and save yourself an argument.

Some of these might sound completely ridiculous. I would be lying if I said I wasn't involved in any of these scenarios.

I appreciate my current beau more than ever. Thank you for being normal. So far.

-M

**Special thanks to Mishella for helping me out with this and laughing with me. Also, great thanks to all the losers I've dated. You make for awesome laughs at parties.**

Ballin

Once upon a time there was a girl named Megan who was a flight attendant. She learned that the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport is the ultimate place for people watching and that people who travel, for any reason, usually make for a good story.

OK, I can't do this entire post in 3rd person. Yes, I was a flight attendant and yes, it was an awesome experience. I have several stories to share regarding my experiences, but why stray from the common theme of embarrassing stories?

One night, on a flight from Atlanta to New Jersey, I elected to be in the back of the aircraft for service. I had the most seniority on this flight so choosing the back was a no-brainer, it's the easiest, most chill position to have. Only to my surprise, seated in business class was none other than Jim Jones. This was a big deal. Mainly because the rapper was relevant at this time. If you are reading this and haven't heard of Jim Jones, he is known for the song, "We Fly High" which charted the Billboard Hot 100 at #5 circa 2006 or so. I couldn't believe I would be at the back of the plane the whole flight when I could have been socializing with him.

I was so excited (and much cooler than the other flight attendants on this trip), I made my way to the front (after take-off, of course- safety first) to tell the other clueless flight attendants. I was trying to be discreet and not seem star-struck, after all celebrities are just like us, right? Anyway, I just had to get a picture with Jim Jones. I convinced one of the other flight attendants to get one, too. I can't remember if I asked him for the picture or if she did, although it sounds like something I would do. He was really nice about it, and came to the galley for a quick photo-op.

My co-worker counted us down, "1, 2, 3... cheese!" and I got my picture with him. Then, I agreed to take one for her. She handed me the camera, and overwhelmed with excitement and how the night was turning out, I counted them down to 3, just as she did for us and then at the last minute replaced, "cheese" with... "BALLIN!" northern accent and all. As soon as it left my lips I realized how unbelievably lame it was and immediately wished I could take it back. I said it with such conviction that there was no letting it go. He started laughing hysterically, as well as his entourage in the first 2 rows, and I'm not sure if it was with me or at me because I can't remember if I was laughing.

How do I always do this to myself? I'm so awkward. At least I'll always have that picture.. strong emphasis on the least part.

Valentine's Day

Love is in the air!

Actually, everyone seems to be holding their breath. I'm seeing a lot of bitterness toward St. Valentine this year. I get it, not everyone is into this Hallmark holiday. I am completely stoked for tomorrow's festivities. Mainly because I love all holidays and any excuse to be festive. Not to mention, I'm a little bit of a hopeless romantic, so I totally get sucked into this rip-off of a holiday. Especially when I have a Valentine.

Valentine's Day hasn't always been a pleasant experience. I don't mean because I was single, crying hysterically repeating, "I'll never have a Noah!" watching The Notebook while drinking wine and eating chocolates that I bought myself (that was only one year). I just mean I've had some interesting experiences actually celebrating Valentine's Day and I'm hoping maybe I can help others to avoid similar situations.

I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but for me, Valentine's Day is not about how much money you spend. I want the romance, the thought. I want to see how well you pay attention. Are you getting the standard Walgreens teddy bear and Russel Stover chocolates? Are you creative enough to think outside the box? Will I be disappointed to wake up and there aren't chocolate chip heart-shaped pancakes? Just throwing that out there (hint, I will be disappointed if I don't get flowers). Anyway, if you want to spend a lot of money on your Valentine, go right ahead, honey! Just make sure you have budgeted. The Sundial is an awesome, slightly cliche, restaurant choice for V-Day. The Sundial is also not cheap, so if you have planned on taking your date there, be aware of the cost. Nothing screams romance like having the bill come and your girlfriend has to cover it because you weren't prepared to spend $100+ (this may or may not have happened to me, a real happy Valentine's Day that was).

Please be prepared. If you aren't going to be home that night, make sure you have your gift(s). Don't wait until you and your date have retired for the evening in your hotel room downtown and you realize you left her gift 45 minutes away and have to leave her there to go get it. This also may or may not have happened to me.

I once got a giant purple bear and miscellaneous "Valentiney" items one year. An ex thought it would be a really sweet gesture to put his cologne on the bear so I could smell him when he wasn't around. At the time, I thought it was really great. Being young and "in love" and now I could have a reminder of him ALL the time. Except I had a weird allergic reaction to it and had to take several oatmeal baths and throw away the bear.

Also, here's a helpful hint: I don't suggest giving a homeless person a ride after a romantic meal. That kind of kills the mood. Yes, this happened to me. I was not at all comfortable.

If you are financially challenged this year and considering a coupon book, don't. As a past recipient of one of these, I will politely decline moving forward. Unless your coupon book consists of awesome things to redeem like, a full car detail, going sky diving or getting me a paid day off from work, I'm not impressed. And not because you didn't spend money, I actually appreciate the thought and effort that goes into making a coupon book, but simply because if I want a back rub from you, I'm going to get it anyway and I haven't been paying for the current ones so why would I now?

If you're single and going out with your single friends, be just that. Single! Don't go to Q100's Bitter Ball then call your crush to come meet you when the selection is slim to none at the party, making your friend third wheel on Valentine's Day. Definitely don't drag her to an "after party" which consists of you, your crush, your crush's fat and smelly friend, and your friend in a hotel room where you plan on spending the majority of this "party" in the bathroom.

As you can see, I haven't had awesome Valentine's experiences. I once thought I had a spectacular Valentine's Day because an ex did everything perfectly. Flowers, gifts, card, dinner, conversation- whole 9. Until later I found out he apparently had another Valentine who he had been conversing with for over 2 hours on our shared phone plan right before celebrating with me. Anyway, not every year has been disastrous, some could easily be labeled as mediocre.

So, cheers to the day of love or singles awareness day. Either way, I hope your day is great and free of disaster! Here's hoping that Cupid brings me a flawless night.

Take Cover

I get really excited when it's one of my "TV nights" which is usually Thursday because that's when Parks & Recreation comes on (my all time fave). This particular Thursday, I was practicing my normal routine, which is basically getting comfortable and making Bella cuddle with me on the couch.

As we were going on about our evening, a severe storm warning flashed across the screen. It had been raining, but didn't seem like anything to prepare for so I ignored it. Then it flashed again a few minutes later. Bella didn't seem too concerned (not sure why I thought she would- she sleeps through everything and her snoring is out of control) so again, I didn't really pay it any attention. I'm really invested in this episode of Parks & Rec, as I usually am, and then there's a severe storm/tornado warning. At this point, I start to think, "OK, maybe we shouldn't take this so lightly." I mute the TV to listen for sirens but don't hear any. I make the executive decision to go ahead and take cover anyway. My coat closet is located under my stairs so it makes for the perfect storm shelter. I drag Bella into the closet with me since she is not at all cooperative for this task. I mute the TV again, to continue listening for sirens, not thinking to switch to The Weather Channel. I figured the warning would come on again and determine my fate.

After sitting in the closet for a while and noticing that the weather didn't seem to be getting any worse at all, merely cloudy, I decided that we could probably relocate back to the couch. As I tried to rewind to see what I missed during our "duck & cover", I realized that I accidentally hit fast-forward. I was confused as how the show was able to fast-forward considering I hadn't paused it at all during the storm scare. That's the moment that I realized I had DVR'd that episode of Parks & Rec. The "severe storm warning" wasn't current at all. It was actually weeks old, because I was that behind in my shows.

So basically, I sat in a closet with my dog preparing for a tornado that wasn't even a possibility. It hadn't even been raining since earlier that day now that I think about it.

Insert blonde joke, here.

When You're Awkward... Part I

I'm socially awkward. I won't deny it. I have the gift to make normal things uncomfortable for myself and those around me. There are certain situations that make me feel more uncomfortable than normal, though. So, for my loyal readers, I shall share. There are a lot it seems, hence the Part I of the title.

1. The Waiters Intro
I can deal with, "Hi, My name is Joe and I'll be taking care of you today. Can I get you started with something to drink or an appetizer?" What I can not deal with is when they have to give their speech about the day's special. The one where they have to go into detail about how it's made, what's in it, what it comes with, etc. 9 times out of 10 it's something that I either don't eat or have no interest in so I don't know what to do while they're talking. Do I look at them? Do I engage? Do I nod as if I'm interested knowing that I'm not ordering that? I never know! So, I usually just look off into the distance right past their head until they're finished. Someone once told me that was really rude, which of course isn't intentional, I just didn't want to be misleading about the damn special!

2.Seeing Someone You Have No Desire To Talk to
I think this is awkward for everyone. I normally go to great lengths to avoid someone. Dodge behind something, have a fake conversation on my cell phone, pretend to be in the midst of writing an intense text message and/or email, pretend not to see them at all and pick up my walking pace or turn the other direction. Then there's that moment when it's unavoidable. What if you're passing each other? Are you obligated to stop and chat? Will a smile and "hey" suffice? I get major anxiety. Nothing is worse than the, "omg, how are you?" "it's been forever! what have you been up to?" "oh, just working.. " "we should get together soon!" "definitely!" knowing you will never see them past that moment nor do you want to.

3. The Hallway Dance
I made this term up for when you accidentally move the same direction as someone. Like when you're walking down a hallway and you see someone coming directly at you so you try to calculate which way they will move but they end up going the same as you, then you try to switch but so do they. So awkward! Then you do the weird, awkward laugh when really you're thinking, get out of my way, you idiot.

4. Homeless People
I'm sorry, but I don't spare change to the homeless. Unless it's the holidays. Don't get me wrong, if I was ever approached to buy someone a meal, I totally would. Something about giving them money that I actually work for just doesn't set well with me. Unless they have a dog, then I'm a sucker. Anyway, the absolute worst is when you're in your car, usually on an exit ramp and there is a homeless person standing on the corner with some sad cardboard sign asking for money. And they look right at you. I normally make sure not to make eye contact, so I make a fake phone call, or pretend to look like I'm lost and squinting at all the street signs nearby. I can always feel them staring at me, which gives me anxiety and I don't know what to do because I feel like it's obvious I'm avoiding them. So awkward!

5. High Fives
High-fives are super fun and awesome most of the time. The problem is that when someone offers me a high five my brain goes into super-processor mode, making me super uncoordinated. I think I get so paranoid that I'm going to miss their hand or do like a weird, half high-five that I psych myself out and it actually happens. It is so embarrassing to miss a high-five! Talk about awkward!!

6. Holding Doors
OK, what is the etiquette for holding a door for someone when you see them walking toward you? If I'm already in the door and I don't hold it, I feel like it's really rude but I also don't want to stand there for 5 minutes like a real asshole and hold it open. What about when you're right behind someone and they don't hold the door and it slams right in your face? That's a real asshole move and I try to do a sarcastic laugh that would be in earshot that says "wow, you're a real asshole."

7. Automatic Car Washes
This is one of my top 5 most stressful activities. My anxiety always reaches an all-time high in these things. My car is moving along the tracks, I can't see anything, what if the car in front of me malfunctions and I hit them? Am I at fault? What if my car malfunctions and a car behind me hits me? Should I be silent during this drive through? Do I listen to music? Can people see me? It's so uncomfortable.

8. When Strangers Won't Take "No"
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. When you're going on about your day and some random guy approaches you at the gas pump, in a parking lot, red light, car wash or anywhere else where you're not necessarily wanting to be approached (unless they are extremely attractive and you don't mind being bothered- which hardly happens). Then they do it anyway. So you smile, and give some excuse as to why they can't have your phone number like, "oh, I'm sorry I have a boyfriend" or "oh, my husband wouldn't like that very much" or "I'm a lesbian..." or whatever clever response you may have tried at one point but doesn't matter because they are persistent. My favorite is when they say, "I just want to be your friend." I am bad about hiding facial expressions so I usually end up giving the blank stare because I don't know how to respond. So I don't, and I usually just leave mid-conversation because I have no idea how to respond or what to say. That's pretty awkward. Fellas, don't be that guy.

Like I mentioned before, several things make me uncomfortable and awkward. Just be glad if you aren't with me often to make you feel awkward, because I'll do it. Guaranteed. I also laugh in really inappropriate situations because I'm uncomfortable or make jokes at really inappropriate times. I once laughed hysterically when this guy told me his grandmother died. Obviously, it's not funny at all. I would never think someone passing away would be something to take lightly but it came out of nowhere in the conversation, catching me completely off guard and I was overwhelmed with awkwardness, thus, causing me to be awkward. And extremely offensive.

Is there a class to overcome awkwardness?


(Special thanks to Chazz for helping me remember some of these awkward moments we all have)