I'm socially awkward. I won't deny it. I have the gift to make normal things uncomfortable for myself and those around me. There are certain situations that make me feel more uncomfortable than normal, though. So, for my loyal readers, I shall share. There are a lot it seems, hence the Part I of the title.
1. The Waiters Intro
I can deal with, "Hi, My name is Joe and I'll be taking care of you today. Can I get you started with something to drink or an appetizer?" What I can not deal with is when they have to give their speech about the day's special. The one where they have to go into detail about how it's made, what's in it, what it comes with, etc. 9 times out of 10 it's something that I either don't eat or have no interest in so I don't know what to do while they're talking. Do I look at them? Do I engage? Do I nod as if I'm interested knowing that I'm not ordering that? I never know! So, I usually just look off into the distance right past their head until they're finished. Someone once told me that was really rude, which of course isn't intentional, I just didn't want to be misleading about the damn special!
2.Seeing Someone You Have No Desire To Talk to
I think this is awkward for everyone. I normally go to great lengths to avoid someone. Dodge behind something, have a fake conversation on my cell phone, pretend to be in the midst of writing an intense text message and/or email, pretend not to see them at all and pick up my walking pace or turn the other direction. Then there's that moment when it's unavoidable. What if you're passing each other? Are you obligated to stop and chat? Will a smile and "hey" suffice? I get major anxiety. Nothing is worse than the, "omg, how are you?" "it's been forever! what have you been up to?" "oh, just working.. " "we should get together soon!" "definitely!" knowing you will never see them past that moment nor do you want to.
3. The Hallway Dance
I made this term up for when you accidentally move the same direction as someone. Like when you're walking down a hallway and you see someone coming directly at you so you try to calculate which way they will move but they end up going the same as you, then you try to switch but so do they. So awkward! Then you do the weird, awkward laugh when really you're thinking, get out of my way, you idiot.
4. Homeless People
I'm sorry, but I don't spare change to the homeless. Unless it's the holidays. Don't get me wrong, if I was ever approached to buy someone a meal, I totally would. Something about giving them money that I actually work for just doesn't set well with me. Unless they have a dog, then I'm a sucker. Anyway, the absolute worst is when you're in your car, usually on an exit ramp and there is a homeless person standing on the corner with some sad cardboard sign asking for money. And they look right at you. I normally make sure not to make eye contact, so I make a fake phone call, or pretend to look like I'm lost and squinting at all the street signs nearby. I can always feel them staring at me, which gives me anxiety and I don't know what to do because I feel like it's obvious I'm avoiding them. So awkward!
5. High Fives
High-fives are super fun and awesome most of the time. The problem is that when someone offers me a high five my brain goes into super-processor mode, making me super uncoordinated. I think I get so paranoid that I'm going to miss their hand or do like a weird, half high-five that I psych myself out and it actually happens. It is so embarrassing to miss a high-five! Talk about awkward!!
6. Holding Doors
OK, what is the etiquette for holding a door for someone when you see them walking toward you? If I'm already in the door and I don't hold it, I feel like it's really rude but I also don't want to stand there for 5 minutes like a real asshole and hold it open. What about when you're right behind someone and they don't hold the door and it slams right in your face? That's a real asshole move and I try to do a sarcastic laugh that would be in earshot that says "wow, you're a real asshole."
7. Automatic Car Washes
This is one of my top 5 most stressful activities. My anxiety always reaches an all-time high in these things. My car is moving along the tracks, I can't see anything, what if the car in front of me malfunctions and I hit them? Am I at fault? What if my car malfunctions and a car behind me hits me? Should I be silent during this drive through? Do I listen to music? Can people see me? It's so uncomfortable.
8. When Strangers Won't Take "No"
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. When you're going on about your day and some random guy approaches you at the gas pump, in a parking lot, red light, car wash or anywhere else where you're not necessarily wanting to be approached (unless they are extremely attractive and you don't mind being bothered- which hardly happens). Then they do it anyway. So you smile, and give some excuse as to why they can't have your phone number like, "oh, I'm sorry I have a boyfriend" or "oh, my husband wouldn't like that very much" or "I'm a lesbian..." or whatever clever response you may have tried at one point but doesn't matter because they are persistent. My favorite is when they say, "I just want to be your friend." I am bad about hiding facial expressions so I usually end up giving the blank stare because I don't know how to respond. So I don't, and I usually just leave mid-conversation because I have no idea how to respond or what to say. That's pretty awkward. Fellas, don't be that guy.
Like I mentioned before, several things make me uncomfortable and awkward. Just be glad if you aren't with me often to make you feel awkward, because I'll do it. Guaranteed. I also laugh in really inappropriate situations because I'm uncomfortable or make jokes at really inappropriate times. I once laughed hysterically when this guy told me his grandmother died. Obviously, it's not funny at all. I would never think someone passing away would be something to take lightly but it came out of nowhere in the conversation, catching me completely off guard and I was overwhelmed with awkwardness, thus, causing me to be awkward. And extremely offensive.
Is there a class to overcome awkwardness?
(Special thanks to Chazz for helping me remember some of these awkward moments we all have)
