Operation Repo

In case you haven't noticed by now, the most unfortunate things happen to me. I swear, you can't make this stuff up. In fact, I wish some of the things I blog about were made up! On to my next unfortunate story.

After working one day, I believe it was on a Sunday, I discovered that I couldn't start my car. For some reason, the steering wheel was locked, the key wouldn't turn and I couldn't get it out of park. After struggling for what seemed like eternity, youtubing, googling and eventually calling for help (which ended up being no help other than a ride home), I left my car stranded at my office in Sandy Springs in hopes to have a plan by morning.

After doing some research, I discovered that my particular car has a security feature that when it thinks it's being broken into, it shuts down and you have to use your secondary key since the owner of the vehicle should have two keys. Of course, most owners would have 2 car keys. I don't. Which meant I needed to purchase a new one. Of course, I didn't know that a new key was the solution until I had arranged for a tow truck to come and take my car to the closest mechanic, which was none other than Sandy Springs RBM aka rip off city (who charged me somewhere around $375 for a key. Plus the $80 it costs just to walk in the door -that's neither here nor there).

The tow truck shows up, and the driver explains to me that he doesn't have the "right" truck because my car can't be put into neutral because it's locked and explains that he would be forced to drag my car to RBM. Well, that clearly was not going to work for me so I opted to wait for the appropriate truck. He leaves and I wait hours for the next driver to show up. The next tow truck finally shows up and it's this huge flat bed. As the driver sets up to rescue my car, he blocks the flow of traffic since I am parked right in front of the office. A line of cars is starting to back up as everyone starts looking confused/concerned as to what is going on. Some are even rolling down their windows asking if I'm OK. I am standing to the side, a nervous wreck that my car is going to get damaged somehow as my co-worker is standing next to me, patting my back to comfort me and prevent any potential anxiety attacks.

My car finally gets hooked up and I'm forced to climb into this monster of a truck to commute to the mechanic. As I'm taking in everything that is happening, I see one of my residents running along side the parking lot attempting to flag us down. We stop, I roll down the window, and he says to me, "Ya'll doin a repo??" I gasp in shock because I couldn't believe someone would assume that (not to metioned I am offended) and say, "well, NO.. this is my car and it just won't start!" to which he responds with, "Oh ok, I was about to say, lemme go hide my car then!"

I'm pretty sure I just had a blank stare on my face while thinking, where do I work?? Although working in property management, I can't tell you how many residents over the years have come into my office irate that their car has been stolen, when it actually was repossessed. Talk about embarrassing (for them). So I take a step back and think about the events that just occured and it dawns on me that now all of my residents, current and potential, totally think my car was just repossed at my workplace. That's pretty humilating. To make matters worse, the loaner car RBM gave me was a some kind of Huyandai, which totally did not help it seem like I lost my car due to financial stuggles.

Luckily, my car was returned to me the next day so if my residents/co-workers think I was going through a financial hardship, hopefully it seemed like I got it resolved right away.

Word to the wise, own two sets of car keys!

Adult Supervision Required

Kids don't love me. I'm not really sure why. I know I have little patience and I will argue with just about anything, but before a kid even knows that about me they have already predetermined they don't like me. I have had a few kids take to me, but the majority are just real terrors.

What concerns me is that I have gotten into several verbal altercations with children. Some of which even turned physical. Don't judge me, this little brat ran up and kicked me in the shin, you would have pushed him down, too. Anyway, I think the problem is that I try to reason with children. Much like trying to reason with a drunk person, you don't get very far because they don't understand nor do they want to.

I used to get into physical fights with my best friend's little sister (who is 7 years younger than us) and then lie and tell her mom we were having a dance battle which was causing all the thumping. Blood was definitely drawn more than once. In my defense, she used to be a real asshole. She was the little kid that said whatever she wanted with no filter (like most kids), to the point I was hesitant to go over there to play in fear of being humiliated. Probably why I tricked her into chugging hot sauce when she was around 8. I also tried to teach the neighborhood kids how to correctly play soccer, then they all ganged up on me by mocking how I did throw-ins. I ended up kicking their soccer ball into the woods and then storming home.

OK, the shin thing. I was showing an apartment to a family of what seemed like 28, one of the members being around 3 years old. He definitely had ADHD. He was running around like a crazy person, being completely ignored by his parents, and at first I thought he was cute. I smiled, even pretended to chase him a little bit. Then he went full on beast mode, and started running circles around me and then would push me and run away. The next time he did it, I bucked at him when his parents weren't looking because I was getting angry. I guess he figured I really tested him with that so he sprinted up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in the shin. So I pushed the crap out of him. He fell down, and then gave me this look of terror with eyes that said "why would you do that to me? I'm just a little boy" and then his eyes welled up with tears. I knew what was coming, so I glared at him and told him he better not. Too late. He burst into tears and hysterically ran to find his mom in one of the bedrooms. I was able to beat him to her and conclude the tour- shifting the focus. That kid never came near me again.

One time my 3 year old niece said she didn't want to play with me, to the extent she put herself in time-out so she didn't have to! When she finally came around, she was playing some game alone, flailing around when her shirt-sleeve somehow got pushed up. She spun around so fast and said to me, "Don't push my sleeve up like that!" Well, I was shocked, for one. I didn't touch her sleeve! So I told her, "um, I didn't push your sleeve up... but I could have if I wanted to." Then she went and told my sister on me. Who does that?

I was playing with my friend's son several years ago. We were actually getting along, I think we were play wrestling (looking back now I see maybe that wasn't the best idea). Anyway, I ended up dislocating something in his arm or shoulder and I think they had to seek medical attention.... He's fine now.

Kids are always telling me not to do something. I don't take well to that. Don't tell me what to do, little kid! This is usually what prompts an argument. Kids don't understand I can do what I want. Including telling them what to do. I'm also way too competitive with children but if you've read my blog post, "Winning" then you get it.

So, who needs a babysitter?

It's All Fun & Games Until Someone Loses a Leg

I like fashion. I like dressing up. I seem to annoy people with my wardrobe choices, at times. Let me explain, I don't ever wear sneakers. Unless I'm going to the gym. I don't have anything against sneakers, and I think it's great when a girl can rock them. I'm not one of those girls. For one, being only 5'3'', I need the height. Secondly, I only own skinny jeans. They're my favorite and the most comfortable (to me) but sneakers and skinny jeans? Negative.


So basically, I wear heels everywhere. Even the grocery store. Usually accompanied by skinny jeans. This past weekend was no different as I decided to get a pedicure while waiting on the boyfriend to finish training. I accompanied one of the other fighter's wife to a nail salon near by. The thought crossed my mind about being able to raise up my jeans, but I had done it before and didn't see the need to worry. Forgetting that it was the first time I had worn these particular jeans to get a pedicure.


Once my jeans got halfway up my calf, I felt some pressure, but it was too late. I was already here, OPI color in hand, massage chair kneading, I had to push through and get my jeans up. I was able to pull them to my knees, making a joke that I thought my circulation was being cut off. Toward the end of the pedicure, I did experience some discomfort and tried to adjust accordingly. That was the point that I realized there would be no adjusting at all, my jeans were so tight. I figured I would just have to wait until the nail technician finished so that I could utilize both hands, and not risk messing up her work by making any sudden movements.


I noticed that my leg was starting to turn slightly purple, so I began trying to work it however I could to loosen the death grip my jeans had on me. They weren't budging. I was laughing about it, to disguise my panic, then the nail tech jumped in to helped and she laughed with me, too. Then she gave up. Then I really started to panic. I could feel my face flush and the temperature start to rise. What was I going to do? Cut myself out of my jeans??


My new friend suggested I stand up and try to pull my jeans down. That failed. Then she said, "I'm sure the guys have some scissors at the gym we can use!" to which I responded, "I can't go back to the gym like this!" Could you imagine? I would have died if I had to walk back into the gym with these new death-capris and ask my boyfriend to CUT them off of me. I knew what had to be done. I needed to go into the bathroom and reenact the Friends episode where Ross can't get his leather pants back on and has to use any substance surrounding him. As I was looking around the bathroom for baby powder, lotion, oils, I was shocked to find myself in a salon bathroom with none of the mentioned items! In fact, it looked like a supply room for a pool, but that's neither here nor there.


I knew it was do or die time. I had to manage to pull these suckers down, or risk public humiliation and sacrifice my favorite jeans. I took a deep breath, and prepared for battle. I actually had to take my jeans off, and attempt to use the legs to be able to get them un-stuck. A few minutes, and several expletives later, I got them down to my ankles. I ignored the pain and walked out as if if was never a big deal to begin with (when in reality, I had been having a full-blown meltdown internally). My pedicure was a success, my jeans are still in tact, and I have some of my dignity left.



I wouldn't quite say the pain was worth it. I should've opted for sneakers and sweats that day. Don't worry, the bruising is much better now and the red/purple rings faded after about 12 hours.

Signs Your Current Should Be Your Ex- Part I

Love is blind.

Actually, love isn't blind at all because you can clearly see who you're dating. However, when you love/care for someone, you often willingly ignore those little things called red flags. We all think people can change, which they can, but not because you want them to. People change because they want to. Yes, we want to be the reason someone changes for the better but you're just in for a let down and a waste of your time if that's what you're striving for.

It's never a good feeling to look back at past relationships and think, "what was I thinking?" or "I shouldn't have ignored that.."

But, it happens. And hopefully, if anything, it makes for a great story. Even at your own expense.

1). Lack of Education.
Education is important. Everyone has different standards for this topic, to each their own. I'm not necessarily saying you should only date ivy league graduates or students, I'm saying you should strive to date someone with a high school diploma or, at the very least, a G.E.D. Life happens, I get it. Who am I to judge? All I'm saying is that you can't really expect to get far in life without some sort of high school completion. Preferably, before you hit your mid-20's.....

2). Lack of Career.
When you hit a certain age, certain jobs are not acceptable unless you are in school. There is a difference between a job and a career. If you are doing something because you genuinely love it and want to grow in that industry, then more power to you. If you're doing something because you're lazy or you couldn't find anything else, it's time to reevaluate. I get times are hard, and jobs are hard to come by. Anything is better than nothing, as long as you're at least still actively job hunting. Unless your criminal record prevents you from doing so. In that case, I would say to reevaluate your relationship because that could be as good as it's going to get.

3). Unrealistic and/or Embarrassing Goals.
Being a rapper is not realistic. At least it's not realistic for me to date an aspiring "rapper"(....anymore). Everyone in Atlanta is involved in some sort of music, modeling, promoting, producing, etc. Unless you have some sort of buzz and have done something at least kind of impressive, do not tell me that's what you're doing with your life. White rappers- even more ridiculous. At least once you're past your mid-20's. Now, if you are serious about your craft and talented, then you should absolutely be pursuing your goal. You aren't passionate about something if you aren't willing to put in the work to get it.

4). Questionable Phone Calls
Um, if you find Quest or other such dating hot lines on the family plan you share with your boyfriend, I wouldn't recommend continuing that relationship. Especially if it continues on a regular basis.

5). Dating Profiles
If a friend calls you to tell you that they just happened to come across your boyfriend on a dating site, it's time to move on.

6). Public Dates
When you run into your boyfriend at a bar with another girl. During guys night. That's supposed to be taking place in a different town. Do I need to go further?

7). Over Emotional
If your boyfriend thinks it's OK to tell you that his bad day has led him to sitting on the floor eating ice cream while crying, or does nothing but quote female song lyrics on social networking sites, or gets emotional over Taylor Swift (literally), I would say it's safe to say he should become an ex, with the great possibility he might like your guy friends.

8). Solicitation.
If you should find that your boyfriend has been creating Craigslist Ads for "casual encounters" under an alias and also exploring the men seeking men section, I'm pretty sure what you have to offer does not interest him.

9). Has the Ex-Factor
If your current boyfriend/girlfriend still communicates with their ex, cut ties immediately. If they say "oh he/she's crazy and won't leave me alone," run even faster. The only reason an ex will still call/text/email is because they still get a response.

10). Openly Flirtatious
If you are out with your significant other, you shouldn't flirt with the opposite sex. Duh. If you run into someone you know, introduce your man/woman! Don't stand there and have an entire conversation with someone and completely ignore your beau. Ladies, don't let other guys buy you drinks while you're out with your man, it's incredibly disrespectful. You wouldn't want your man buying other girls drinks while he's with you. Regardless of how you know them. Unless you're doing a group shot or someone is buying an entire round, politely decline the offer and save yourself an argument.

Some of these might sound completely ridiculous. I would be lying if I said I wasn't involved in any of these scenarios.

I appreciate my current beau more than ever. Thank you for being normal. So far.

-M

**Special thanks to Mishella for helping me out with this and laughing with me. Also, great thanks to all the losers I've dated. You make for awesome laughs at parties.**

Ballin

Once upon a time there was a girl named Megan who was a flight attendant. She learned that the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport is the ultimate place for people watching and that people who travel, for any reason, usually make for a good story.

OK, I can't do this entire post in 3rd person. Yes, I was a flight attendant and yes, it was an awesome experience. I have several stories to share regarding my experiences, but why stray from the common theme of embarrassing stories?

One night, on a flight from Atlanta to New Jersey, I elected to be in the back of the aircraft for service. I had the most seniority on this flight so choosing the back was a no-brainer, it's the easiest, most chill position to have. Only to my surprise, seated in business class was none other than Jim Jones. This was a big deal. Mainly because the rapper was relevant at this time. If you are reading this and haven't heard of Jim Jones, he is known for the song, "We Fly High" which charted the Billboard Hot 100 at #5 circa 2006 or so. I couldn't believe I would be at the back of the plane the whole flight when I could have been socializing with him.

I was so excited (and much cooler than the other flight attendants on this trip), I made my way to the front (after take-off, of course- safety first) to tell the other clueless flight attendants. I was trying to be discreet and not seem star-struck, after all celebrities are just like us, right? Anyway, I just had to get a picture with Jim Jones. I convinced one of the other flight attendants to get one, too. I can't remember if I asked him for the picture or if she did, although it sounds like something I would do. He was really nice about it, and came to the galley for a quick photo-op.

My co-worker counted us down, "1, 2, 3... cheese!" and I got my picture with him. Then, I agreed to take one for her. She handed me the camera, and overwhelmed with excitement and how the night was turning out, I counted them down to 3, just as she did for us and then at the last minute replaced, "cheese" with... "BALLIN!" northern accent and all. As soon as it left my lips I realized how unbelievably lame it was and immediately wished I could take it back. I said it with such conviction that there was no letting it go. He started laughing hysterically, as well as his entourage in the first 2 rows, and I'm not sure if it was with me or at me because I can't remember if I was laughing.

How do I always do this to myself? I'm so awkward. At least I'll always have that picture.. strong emphasis on the least part.

Valentine's Day

Love is in the air!

Actually, everyone seems to be holding their breath. I'm seeing a lot of bitterness toward St. Valentine this year. I get it, not everyone is into this Hallmark holiday. I am completely stoked for tomorrow's festivities. Mainly because I love all holidays and any excuse to be festive. Not to mention, I'm a little bit of a hopeless romantic, so I totally get sucked into this rip-off of a holiday. Especially when I have a Valentine.

Valentine's Day hasn't always been a pleasant experience. I don't mean because I was single, crying hysterically repeating, "I'll never have a Noah!" watching The Notebook while drinking wine and eating chocolates that I bought myself (that was only one year). I just mean I've had some interesting experiences actually celebrating Valentine's Day and I'm hoping maybe I can help others to avoid similar situations.

I can't speak for everyone when I say this, but for me, Valentine's Day is not about how much money you spend. I want the romance, the thought. I want to see how well you pay attention. Are you getting the standard Walgreens teddy bear and Russel Stover chocolates? Are you creative enough to think outside the box? Will I be disappointed to wake up and there aren't chocolate chip heart-shaped pancakes? Just throwing that out there (hint, I will be disappointed if I don't get flowers). Anyway, if you want to spend a lot of money on your Valentine, go right ahead, honey! Just make sure you have budgeted. The Sundial is an awesome, slightly cliche, restaurant choice for V-Day. The Sundial is also not cheap, so if you have planned on taking your date there, be aware of the cost. Nothing screams romance like having the bill come and your girlfriend has to cover it because you weren't prepared to spend $100+ (this may or may not have happened to me, a real happy Valentine's Day that was).

Please be prepared. If you aren't going to be home that night, make sure you have your gift(s). Don't wait until you and your date have retired for the evening in your hotel room downtown and you realize you left her gift 45 minutes away and have to leave her there to go get it. This also may or may not have happened to me.

I once got a giant purple bear and miscellaneous "Valentiney" items one year. An ex thought it would be a really sweet gesture to put his cologne on the bear so I could smell him when he wasn't around. At the time, I thought it was really great. Being young and "in love" and now I could have a reminder of him ALL the time. Except I had a weird allergic reaction to it and had to take several oatmeal baths and throw away the bear.

Also, here's a helpful hint: I don't suggest giving a homeless person a ride after a romantic meal. That kind of kills the mood. Yes, this happened to me. I was not at all comfortable.

If you are financially challenged this year and considering a coupon book, don't. As a past recipient of one of these, I will politely decline moving forward. Unless your coupon book consists of awesome things to redeem like, a full car detail, going sky diving or getting me a paid day off from work, I'm not impressed. And not because you didn't spend money, I actually appreciate the thought and effort that goes into making a coupon book, but simply because if I want a back rub from you, I'm going to get it anyway and I haven't been paying for the current ones so why would I now?

If you're single and going out with your single friends, be just that. Single! Don't go to Q100's Bitter Ball then call your crush to come meet you when the selection is slim to none at the party, making your friend third wheel on Valentine's Day. Definitely don't drag her to an "after party" which consists of you, your crush, your crush's fat and smelly friend, and your friend in a hotel room where you plan on spending the majority of this "party" in the bathroom.

As you can see, I haven't had awesome Valentine's experiences. I once thought I had a spectacular Valentine's Day because an ex did everything perfectly. Flowers, gifts, card, dinner, conversation- whole 9. Until later I found out he apparently had another Valentine who he had been conversing with for over 2 hours on our shared phone plan right before celebrating with me. Anyway, not every year has been disastrous, some could easily be labeled as mediocre.

So, cheers to the day of love or singles awareness day. Either way, I hope your day is great and free of disaster! Here's hoping that Cupid brings me a flawless night.

Take Cover

I get really excited when it's one of my "TV nights" which is usually Thursday because that's when Parks & Recreation comes on (my all time fave). This particular Thursday, I was practicing my normal routine, which is basically getting comfortable and making Bella cuddle with me on the couch.

As we were going on about our evening, a severe storm warning flashed across the screen. It had been raining, but didn't seem like anything to prepare for so I ignored it. Then it flashed again a few minutes later. Bella didn't seem too concerned (not sure why I thought she would- she sleeps through everything and her snoring is out of control) so again, I didn't really pay it any attention. I'm really invested in this episode of Parks & Rec, as I usually am, and then there's a severe storm/tornado warning. At this point, I start to think, "OK, maybe we shouldn't take this so lightly." I mute the TV to listen for sirens but don't hear any. I make the executive decision to go ahead and take cover anyway. My coat closet is located under my stairs so it makes for the perfect storm shelter. I drag Bella into the closet with me since she is not at all cooperative for this task. I mute the TV again, to continue listening for sirens, not thinking to switch to The Weather Channel. I figured the warning would come on again and determine my fate.

After sitting in the closet for a while and noticing that the weather didn't seem to be getting any worse at all, merely cloudy, I decided that we could probably relocate back to the couch. As I tried to rewind to see what I missed during our "duck & cover", I realized that I accidentally hit fast-forward. I was confused as how the show was able to fast-forward considering I hadn't paused it at all during the storm scare. That's the moment that I realized I had DVR'd that episode of Parks & Rec. The "severe storm warning" wasn't current at all. It was actually weeks old, because I was that behind in my shows.

So basically, I sat in a closet with my dog preparing for a tornado that wasn't even a possibility. It hadn't even been raining since earlier that day now that I think about it.

Insert blonde joke, here.